Imagine for a moment that you’ve decided to invite your significant other over to Thanksgiving dinner with your family for the first time.

If your family is anything like mine, you’ll know that every family has their own unique set of rules, expectations, customs, and rituals that compose a list of behaviors that everyone in the family deems appropriate and desirable.

Therefore, because every family is different, it’s not uncommon for someone to inadvertently exhibit an undesirable behavior in a different family environment simply because they didn’t know.

A Quick Heads Up

As such, don’t you just know that you should, at the very least, give your partner a quick heads up about the behaviors you know your family likes, wants and expects from people, in general, and house guests, in particular, BEFORE the dinner?

And isn’t the reason you know you should do so is because if he unknowingly exhibits an undesirable behavior in front of your family, he risks mild embarrassment, at best, and confrontation, at worst?

Umm…NO!

But let’s imagine for one second that, for one reason or another, you decide not to have this small conversation with him before the trip.

How do you think he would feel if he, throughout the weekend, made one faux pas after another, a la Ben Stiller in the movie Meet the Parents?

But instead of actually communicating to him what behaviors they actually wanted him TO DO, all that your family did in response was to reprimand him with a sharp, “NOOOOO!”, or with a fervent, “UGH UGHHHHHH!”, each and every time he did something that was undesirable in their eyes.

Was It Something I Did?

Now, if you asked your significant other after the weekend was over if he learned ANYTHING about the behaviors that your family deems appropriate and desirable, do you think he would have an answer for you?

Probably not, right?

For example, let’s say that your family expects a house guest to bring a gift of flowers upon entering their home.

But because you didn’t tell him that, he comes empty handed, and as a result, each family member vocally expresses their disapproval when they open the door.

“Was it because I didn’t take off my shoes, or was it because I didn’t hug each family member?”, he might have wondered.

My point is, we learn so very little when someone reprimands us when we’re doing something wrong, but more importantly, we learn so very little about what we should have done instead.

“I Want Him To Stop!”

But for some reason, we think that telling our dogs what we don’t want them to do is the same thing as telling them what we do want them to do.

For example, let’s say that whenever a guest comes over to your house, your dog immediately starts jumping excitedly all over him/her.

And in those moments, you’ve gotten used to telling your dog, “No!”, then taking your dog aside and reprimanding him with a stern, “we don’t do that in this house!”, as if he understands English, and feeling fairly confident that you’re training your dog, at the very least, adequately.

In fact, you might be thinking, “yes, that’s exactly what I do!”

But have you ever asked yourself if you think your dog knows what you would rather have him do instead in those moments when he’s SUPER DUPER EXCITED to greet your guest in the only way he knows how: by jumping on them?

Your answer might be, “I want him to stop jumping on my guest, that’s what I want him to do,” but if you REALLY thought about it, what you might want instead is for your dog to sit nicely and patiently in front of your guest until she decides to greet him.

Because what your dog REALLY WANTS is your guest’s attention, and if you can provide him an easier and more reliable way (sitting patiently) to get that, he’ll eventually learn that this way works better than the way he tried to get it before (jumping), and eventually stop doing it.

The lesson here is: it’s only until you can actually pinpoint the behaviors you want your dog to exhibit in specific situations, that training can actually begin in earnest.

In other words, when you know what you want your dog TO DO, then you can actually start training your dog TO DO those behaviors.

Here are a few more examples of common dog behaviors that people want their dog NOT TO DO and corresponding behaviors that you can teach him TO DO instead (and why it works).

A Coffee Date

Think about it in this other way.

Imagine that you’re taking a young child with you (whether that child is your kid, cousin, nephew, whatever), for whatever reason, to a coffee date that you have scheduled with a friend you haven’t seen in years.

Could you imagine getting settled into your chair, placing your child in her high chair besides you, and expecting her to sit there in complete and total silence while you and your friend caught up for the next hour?

Of course not.

Wouldn’t you have a collection of toys, iPads, iPhones, snacks, and drinks handy, at the very least, so that when your kid eventually gets bored, tired, hungry, excited, etc., and acts out as a result, you’ll have something for her to do so that you could continue the conversation as best as you’re able with your friend?

You certainly wouldn’t just say, “No"!” or, “we don’t do that in this cafe!”, each and every time your child moved, made a sound, or caused a raucous, right?

Simply put, didn’t you bring things for her TO DO instead of waiting for every opportunity to tell her what NOT TO DO?

What Kind of List Do You Have?

Therefore, I want you to ask yourself whether you just have a long list of things you want your dog NOT TO DO, rather than a list of things you want your dog TO DO.

You’ll see that when you think about it in that way, you can then start training in earnest, because you now have a roadmap set of behaviors that you’ve decided you want to teach your dog so that you can live a happier life together.

Happy Training!